Your dad touched me again.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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