I met the friendliest cop last night
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
