I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
