I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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