I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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