the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We need a shit load of segways right now
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
