We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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