Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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