If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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