yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I need a burrito and a hug.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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