Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
