My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
