Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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