i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
