I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
