I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Randomize
