The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
