Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
