FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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