Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize