I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
