he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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