I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
