I am in a vortex of obligation.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
