Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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