my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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