There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
