I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
