batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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