You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
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