I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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