Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize