If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
