That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
