I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
