i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
