so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize