sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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