I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
