I think my fart just growled at me.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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