Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
