I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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