my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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