Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
so much tequila, so little girl.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
