i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
