i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
