one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
