Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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