I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
