So drunk its hurt
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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