Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
