I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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