yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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